It was my birthday on Monday, also a public holiday. I didn't really even celebrate.. Adam and I went to gold class cinemas on the Sunday night to see Men in Black 3, and the car trip into the city was all fun and cute and we were actually singing our "future wedding song" together, Two Strong Hearts by John Farnham (his choice) and he accidentally rolled his ute back into a taxi.
He was shaken up and he was at fault and there it was: night, and birthday ruiner. Not blaming anyone though. Shit happens, I knew our night would only go down hill from here, despite any effort to stay positive and enjoy the moments. Sigh. Ended up getting home and watching some tv together, I fell asleep about fifteen minute before midnight (my birthday) and then at twenty past midnight, he woke me to tell me he was going home because he couldnt sleep because of the accident. I really wish he was more adaptable. It is like whenever he is stressed he needs to be at home. Because my house isnt his home. It probably never will be. Because I am una/ble to provide him with a sense of security or comfort like his Mum can. How am I aupposed to fight that?
I told him to go and I would be fine, sleeping in my empty house without Scarlett on my birthday, waking up alone and silent. When he turned off the light and closed the front door, I just cried into my pillow. The horrible, ugly cry, of knowing that, all jokes aside, we really are essentially, alone, even on the important days sometimes.
I didnt want much, anything really, just to be loved and hugged when I woke up. I would have done anything for him to be there that night. He let me down and he says he knows it but I dont think he does. I have been feeling down about it since.
I woke up on my birthday, had some cereal. He came over at eleven ish, I went out in the rain to pick up grizzly Scarlett. We didn't even have lunch. He went home at two. I ordered pizza (bad) and ate it for a late lunch, then dinner, and went to bed early and alone, again.
What a wonderfully hollow day to turn 25. It makes me wonder how many friends I will have later on in my life. Definitely not my favourite way to spend an annual personal holiday but oh well. That is life. I haven't even had cake :( haha sounds so dumb but it isn't the cake I wanted. It was the gesture behind it.
Adam even told Scarlett that they would buy a cake for me, but it didn't happen. I will be okay, just let me feel alone and sorry for myself in silence whilst I act like everything is fine the next day.
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