Hate and Disgust and Shame and Love

I thought I saw her the other day when I was walking during my lunch break. Because my eyesight is so bad I had to double take, more like quintuple-take, and realised that no, it wasn't her. It was a middle-aged woman with the same frumpy build and face shape, small beady eyes, rosy cheeks.

More notable was, however, the feelings that coursed through me in the split seconds when I thought it was her. Fear, Shame, Disgust, Hatred, Panic, Sadness, Intensity. Capitol letter to all of them because in my body they are real feelings with their own entitlement to be alive in my mind. My first instinct was to freeze, and I wanted to turn around and run very fast and far away. At the same time I wanted to keep marchng forward, slap her rounded face, cry, and tell her what an awful person she is, and how much she has hurt me, and ruined me, and broken so much about me.

It makes me angry that I feel ashamed and stupid because HE cheated on ME. It doesnt make sense but I am deeply embarrassed. Maybe it's because I stayed with him, after two seperate incidences of him cheating. I am an idiot. I haven't told anyone. I just hate hate hate hate how much it still destroys me to this very day, and how he seems to be over it because his therapy was in confessing to me. Where is my goddamned therapy? In crying myself to sleep every week after a bad day? In the moments that the occasion could so easily be slipped into conversation to prove a point, but never happens? I hate it, I hate myself, I hate my lack of confidence and my uncertainty in my own decisions of staying with him.

But I love him. I LOVE him, and I want to marry him one day, and stay in love, and be happy, the proper way,  and I want to believe everything he tells me, about how deeply sorry he is, how he is a changed man, how he realised how stupid decisions like that could ruin what really matters the most to him. Why did he have to fucking do it, that's what I want to know. God, shit, it hurts so much, in the tiniest of ways, he most unsuspeting of moments, the innocent jokes or comments...

The hurt hasn't gone away, or even faded really, and I am starting to believe that it will probably be this way forever. For as long as I am with him, at least. It has been almost 18 months since it happened, and a whole year since I found out. I hate her so much. I hate the person he was when he was with her that night. I hate him beyond words. I hate the feelings and emotions. I haven't eaten a chicken ceaser wrap in about a year, we were eating these when he confessed. He made it seem so hard on himself too, stopped midway and went to throw up because of "guilt", or maybe it was just nerves at confessing. I hate these memories. I hate that I am still so filled with hate, but I honestly don't know how to even ever let go. It consumes me, whenever I am reminded of it. The whole incident, the details, the way he wasn't so drunk that he couldn't find a condom, or get home, or message me afterwards. Fuck him.

My only peace of mind comes from the secret random spot checks I have done on his phone, facebook, etc. I have found nothing, he seems to be practicing what he preaches in terms of honesty and loyalty now. I am still unsure though. the only reason I am still with him is because I am deeply and consumedly obsessively in absolute love with him. Does that make me stupid? I dont even know. I am exhausted writing about all of this. It is all just a mess. My mind is just wrecked and I am sick of reasoning everything out in my head.

I hate feeling like this, but letting go of him would mean letting go of everything great we have. More than great, amazing, blissful, antural, the real kind of happy I need in my life. Why do we love the ones who hurt us the most? Can he really love me 100% for the rest of our time? I don't know anything about following the heart. Logic just screws everything into a mixed up palette of shame, and opinions, and thoughts, and negativity. Well. We get through it, if we can.

I still love him with everything I've got, and probably always will.

My Week, boring though.

Well I am sitting at work and slightly bored. I am nervous waiting for results of the second assignment in my HR course which I submitted on Mon/Tues... I think I went reallllyy well  but we all know that probably means I made about as much sense as a calculator in a swimming pool...


Adam is sleeping over tonight, it's take away night and footy time, even though we said we would do some assignmenting together :) I wonder what we will actually do.. probably eat, he will fall asleep, I will entertain myself on the computer or with my phone, ha.

I went to the backstreet Boys concert last week, it was AMAZING :) I screamed and laughed and sang so much and so loudly that I am sure I runined every video recording my best friend was doing next to me. But eh, concerts are there to be enjoyed, and enjoy it I most certainly did! I want to marry Nick Carter, sigh. He is so cheesy and 90s and hot and wonderful and boyish! Just like my beautiful little boyfriend :)

Scarlett has had a good week this week. No huge tantrums, although a bit of whining. I admit this is probably because I have been working extra hours all week so spent less time with her, but I think we both needed it for our sanity and of course for the paycheck, I cannot wait to buy my own car... and drive it! How much easier will life be, sigh..

Looked into Uni again today, I am pretty keen on doing distance after I finish my HR course. Very keen actually, just reading about the units makes me so excited. I think I will choose UNE, I have been given some really good feedback from Mamamia.com.au (my daily bible equivalent) and it all seems so exciting and motivating. Who woulda' thunk that I would finally choose a career path...

Cats!

pretty things make me feel peaceful..

I've been searching for these jeans. And top. And boots. but I am way too picky.

LittleBurgundy

This would feel so good to wear, so pretty and comfy :')

babies!!

How cute is this, naww haha

Cutefood.com - ADORABLE!!! ADDICTED!!

nawww :)

Scarlett would love these... I wonder if the wings are edible?

PUPPIES :)

probably do-able, maybe?

Kitty cats :D

penguin walk hm hm hm hm hm hm

Beautiful !!

Wonderful!

aw :')

 I have so many silly face photos in my phone of us just mucking around. A nice way to remember these days, instead of the yelling to get undressed for the bath whilst I cook dinner and tidy the house and empty her schoolbag and make her lunch and everything else domestic that I need to get done before 7pm. Love her to bits, every squicnhy face inch of her :)
?

When will the world understand that same-sex marriage shouldn't be an issue? Why is it so hard to accept? Love is Love.

Well. Aren't you little colourful strawberries looking cute and delicious. I think I may have to create you on Saturday night for my mini-housewarming drinks, my freinds and I would so love it if you could be in our mouths.

Aww Kitty :)

NEW house :D

I moved into my new unit this weekend! It doesn't look like this house at all, haha, it is rather just a small floorboarded apartment on the GROUND floor for my baby girl and me. FREEDOM from my mother staying with us. Freedom from shagpile carpet with three years of breadcumbs enbedded into it. HOORAY!!!!!
Now begins the unpacking and organising....... sigh.......

She's Everything, to me :)

My days lately are blending into repetitive blurs. EEErrrrrrr I know I should be doing my assignment but Human Resources is boring. My princess is sick with a cold and it makes me feel guilty, like I should be protecting her from everything harmful in the world, even invisible air-bourne viruses.

I have said a few sentences to Adam all day, which is normal. Our relationship during the week is always on his terms, he is the busy one, always prioritising above me. It makes me bitter and invisible at the best of times.. sometimes I wish he would plan a super romantic dinner and have everything decided. Not even that. I wish he could show he cared, more than just repeating himself. actions speak louder than words, cliched but so true sometimes.... oh well I guess I shall just wait until 10pm and he has five minutes before falling asleep for my daily reminder of romantic love and worth. Maybe he will decide I am worth more than six minutes and a few short texts tonight? I am not holding my breath..

Loving people always hurts in the gaps where you remember not mattering.

Cookie Dough!

When I created this blog, I was eating this. Always!!

Teddy Tutu, Ballet Star :)

Being in love with Adam.

Adam, I have been in love with him for about two years now. Maybe more before I realised.. It doesn't seem like much, writing it down. But for me, being in love with this one. boy for this steady amount of time, is a huge turning point for me. He is funny and sweet and thoughtful and strong. And he surprises me regularly with the way he responds and the ways he shows he cares. He isn't the most romantic guy in the world, nope. But he consistently tells me he loves me, and it has been a hell of an emotional rollercoaster at some stages, I'll tell you that much.

He has hurt me like no one ever has. He has made me feel emotional pain so strong I have felt physically crippled, beaten and dead. And he has lifted me back up, given me a strength he hardly even understands.

He has been through alot, haven't we all. He lost his father to cancer when he was about thirteen or fifteen, I can't remember, I dont like to bring up the topic unless he mentions it first. For a little, insecure, vulnerable teenage boy to have to deal and understand the prolonged and unfair death of his father, well, it breaks my heart to think of him having those feelings of grief and isolation which follow death.

And the man he is today would make his father so proud. He seems so amazing to me that I am constantly checking that I really deserve him. My brain has mental spaz attacks sometimes and I get upset and angry and I take it all out on Adam. And he still wants to keep on loving me. How good is being in love... I never knew I would be lucky enough to have a boy like Adam, to have him profusely deny that I could love him more than he loves me, to have him eager to be a part of my family, to have him willing to help me shape my future into one with him. He is my boyfriend and I hope he is my husband someday. LOVE is precious and we are all lucky to feel it.

Scarlett Princess

This is my three year old daughter, Scarlett. She is the main thing in my world that keeps me going. Everyone says the parent's love for her child is the most powerful thing in the world. I never believed this when I was younger, I did not feel this from the child's perspective. I still don't. But being a parent now, I can honestly say I would lay down my life without a heartbeat of hesitation if it meant Scarlett would be saved.

Nobody really ever tells you how much your kids will make you laugh. Scarlett is the funniest person in the world, and she hardly even knows it. She is lovely and wonderful and perfect to me. I hope she never doubts my love, in all of her life. She is Everything, much more than I have ever deserved.

Intricate Prettyness in Froglet Form :)

HEY THERE LITTLE GUY :) YOU ARE LOVELY AND BENDY AND FRAGILE AND A CUTIE!

I wish I could do this...

I wish I was beautiful enough to express myself with my body, showing off my physical strength and hoping others see it as an indicator of my inner strength. Gymnastics is wonderful :)